I have been having a difficult time lately with being a wife and mother. I love my children with all my heart and soul, but going from two to three at home has been quite a challenge for me. I know that compared to the trials that other mothers have gone through; my whine fest seems very insignificant. But I am still having a difficult time. Is it because I am trying to do too much too soon? (My baby is just 12 weeks old). Is it because I have a fussy baby? (She does seem to be more difficult than the other two.) Is it because I expect too much out of my children & myself? I don’t have the answer. I wish I did. Maybe then I wouldn’t beat myself up day after day as to why I am feeling the way I am. I try to read other blogs about women who have more children then I do to gain encouragement, but it just leaves me more discouraged and frustrated. How do they do it? Why do they seem to have it all together? How can they handle six or eight or ten kids and I am drowning with three? Again, I don’t know.
My husband says I am being too hard on myself. That in a couple more months things will seem back to normal. But my response to that is while I am waiting for that magical number my children are getting bigger and I am missing it. I feel that I neglect the older two because all I do is deal with a fussy baby. I am grouchy and crabby most of the time because my baby is grouchy and crabby. Now don’t get me wrong some days are better then others and she is less fussy then she was a month ago, but some days it doesn’t seem like enough.
I am grateful that Princess is so smart. Not because I am bragging about my child, but because if she wasn’t I would have to spend more time with her for school. Time that I do not have. As of right now she is doing most of her schoolwork by herself since she can read the directions. First grade is not that difficult for her. But I think to myself, what if she wasn’t able to do it by herself. What if I do have a child that needs help with first grade and I have a fussy baby on my hip? I know what I would do. I know those are a lot of “what ifs”? But these things cross my mind on a daily basis.
God has given me many graces to be able to take care of three children (all who are demanding in their own way), but I still get exhausted. I want to have my life together. I want to be able to get things done around the house without feeling like something or someone else is getting neglected. I use to be able to get it all done. Or at least I think I did. Maybe I didn’t. Maybe when I was alone with two kids under the age of 3 that I knew I couldn’t do it so I didn’t worry about it so much. I wish I had the answer – all the answers. But then if I knew it all I wouldn’t be relying on God to get me through each day - would I?